I’ve changed so many jobs in a span of 10 years that I can’t keep count. At 32 years old, I have bipolar disorder, i have ended up with nothing. This is not because I’m lazy or I don’t want a job. This is because I have been incapable of holding a job for more than a month or two, based on how my brain reacted at the time.I still remember how I used to wake up somehow in the morning, regretting
Some days I went to work with bandaged wrists where I’d self-harmed, and I told coworkers some lies about grazing my hand on some fence wires. I knew I wasn’t fooling anyone; the looks in their faces told me I wasn’t fooling anyone,that the moment I turned around they were going to be talking about me, how “crazy” I am.All this happened when I was still in my 20s, and at the time I hadn’t received my diagnosis for bipolar disorder or anxiety. I hadn’t come to terms with any of my issues. I took sleeping pills to try to make the world around me feel a little more bearable. I didn’t have regular therapy or a doctor to treat me properly. I was always suicidal.
Every person who gets panic attacks knows they can be the worst and scariest part of having a mental illness. And one point of time, I had them several times in a day at my job, leaving me vulnerable and exposed to everyone in sight.I felt guilty and ashamed of myself. I left jobs because I’d wake up one day and realize I couldn’t go back to that place anymore.I know plenty of successful people with jobs and mental illness. And I appreciate their strength. To people who judge me because of my mental illness and being unemployed, I wonder what you would have done under the circumstances I have been through. Would you like being incapacitated by your brain in a room full of people every day of the week? Would you be OK with them talking behind your back, pointing at you while you have devastating panic attacks and take sleeping pills to take the edge off?I apologize for not being like others or being “normal.” I apologize for not being able to hold a job. I apologize for being unemployed. But don’t judge me for all I couldn’t do.